Fatnancially secure!? Scientific method of assessing my fat reserves!

When you assess your finances, you can usually just open your credit card statement and see the truth plainly.

A large portion goes to rent, bills, food, and other deeply unromantic signs of adult life.

Another large portion goes to Studio Era workouts and all the instruments of targeted suffering. Yes, I am still speaking of the block of abdominal destruction. Some events mark a woman forever.

And whatever is left goes to clothes, because somehow your body starts changing in ways that feel both rewarding and personally inconvenient. Your butt gets bigger, your waist does something mysterious, your wrists stay tiny, and your sleeves begin to tremble before your increasingly established biceps.

You can also use one of those apps that tell you where exactly and how much money you have. And if you like me, there is also some extra cash stashed away that gives you just enough of peace of mind for the possible society collapse and zombie apocalypse!

But how do you assess your fat savings? And I was so tempted to say asses because lots of it ends up there🤣🤣🤣

Anyway, so often the mirror is unreliable. Photos depend on angle, light, posture, and whether you remembered to stand like a normal person or like a woman trying to look five pounds lighter for no honorable reason. And the measuring tape? The measuring tape is a liar the moment you inhale. And who can afford the visit to professional who can scan your whole body and discover all your assets!

Do not worry I am about to introduce you to the best scientific method I came up with!

Well there are 2 but today I will cover only one!

It is called a PINCH! And when you in a pinch to figure out all your fat reserves … then, well… You pinch.

And I did this the other day and came to a very humbling realization: the reason my main account in the Stomach Bank is not collapsing dramatically is because apparently my body has opened little branch locations everywhere.

I truly had not considered the extent of my diverse fat portfolio.

There is fat on the sides of the ribs — and no, I do not mean the girls. I mean the backup girls. The side pockets. The soft little reserves hiding under the armpits like they are waiting for an economic downturn.

Then there is the back.

Apparently at some point my body decided I might need built-in cushioning and made generous provisions. Very thoughtful. Very prepared. A little excessive, but caring.

And the buttocks — let us be honest — are just greedy. Even when they do not look especially impressive in leggings, they are still collecting resources like pancakes soaking in butter and refusing accountability.

And why, I ask, does even the little toe look slightly overfed? That toe contributes almost nothing. It has not borne meaningful hardship since the age of pointy heels. Yet somehow it seems to have its own tiny emergency fund.

And of course, the bat wings.

Because what is fitness, really, if not slowly discovering you have the upper arms of a woman who could either fight crime or sell candles in a gothic novel?

Honestly, this whole process is very revealing. You think you are just trying to lose fat. But really you are uncovering hidden wealth. Secret storage. Soft reserves tucked into places you forgot were even participating in this situation.

So if the scale is moving slowly, and the stomach still appears fatnancially secure, do not lose heart.

So no, maybe the stomach has not filed for bankruptcy yet. But the empire is weakening. One pinch at a time, one lunge at a time, one deeply offensive ab block at a time…