Dear Maddie: The Brick of False Hope

Dear Maddie…

I used to love my yoga block. Truly. Every time I looked at it, serenity washed over me. I imagined ocean waves, birds singing, a soft breeze… my ligaments and muscles enjoying the warm kindness of stretching and gentle strengthening. It felt like a tiny spa for my body.

And now…

Now when I look at it, I see the entrance to hell. A small, rectangular portal of flames. A deep, unprecedented burn awakens in muscles I didn’t even know existed. Muscles that, frankly, had no business being discovered.

Inside my head there are now two voices.

One screams, I cannot take this anymore!

The other yells, Just one more rep! You’ve got it!

And somehow… the second one sounds suspiciously like you.

And then there is the band.

Once upon a time it was called a resistance band, because it helped me resist the temptation to move too quickly. It slowed everything down so my muscles could grow stronger in a calm and civilized way. It was efficient too—I only needed a few reps to feel the same burn as doing forty donkey kicks without it.

But now…

Now we still do forty donkey kicks. Except this time we cry through at least thirty-five of them. And yes… we cry exactly like the donkey.

And as if that were not enough, I recently discovered that yoga blocks are also used for abdominal workouts. Which means they are not just tools for peaceful stretching… they are also instruments for attacking the core. At this point I can only conclude that the yoga block has been living a double life—pretending to be peaceful while secretly plotting abdominal destruction.

Therefore, after careful reflection, trembling glutes, and a full investigation by the Department of Betrayed Muscles, I would like to formally submit the following petition for renaming these items:

• Yoga Block → The Brick of False Hope

(alternative title: The Abdominal Interrogation Device)

• Resistance Band → The Killing Band

(also acceptable: Elastic Instrument of Pain)

• Donkey Kicks → Public Humiliation of the Glutes

Please review these name changes at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for your attention to this important matter. I will be available for further discussion just as soon as I regain the ability to sit, walk, laugh, cough, or sneeze without feeling my abdominal muscles file an official complaint.

With deep respect, mild fear,

and slightly trembling legs,

Your loyal but traumatized student. 💪😄